Sanobar, my heart bled reading this. As a daughter, I know how much this means to you. As it did to me. I travelled with my father’s mortal remains from the hospital to our home. I allowed my brothers the privilege of traveling with him in his last journey. I, and only I had the privilege of doing my father’s rights. My father had willed it. He told my mother that I should. I didn’t have to be told. Neither did I have to ask or seek permission. My in laws were upset. My husband stood by me as a rock. After my father’s passing, I wondered if there is any solace for Muslims and Christians who have a ‘resting’ place for their families. I imagined that visiting their loved one would bring peace. It would keep a connection alive, even when one has been interrupted. The Hindu concept of the soul traveling towards a new journey suddenly made me feel like an orphan. The thought that my father would no longer be mine in this lifetime was heartbreaking….your story dissolved a mirage for me. I am enraged as much as you are. I am hurt as much as you are. I am grieving with you Sanobar. You don’t have to go through this alone…
Rituparna, what hurts me most is that there's no consistency to the 'rules'. Muslim women in other parts of India do visit graveyards. It's the same in other parts of the world. I'm shocked how this isn't the case in Mumbai. Your experience made me smile and get teary as my heart pumped with the love and trust between you and your father. Thank you. I'm not alone. We're not alone ❤️
The pain and grief that comes with a parent’s passing is universal Sanobar. What is so special about this grief that we must write and allow our stories to intersect, connect and interact? Sharing grief is being human. Standing with someone in their time of grief, allowing them the space to experience a deep emotion and respond to it. I admire your decision to keep this private. As a former journalist, I know I would have taken the hard route of taking this to the media. I also realise the immense maturity and responsibility with which you safeguard your community’s image if this got out. I wish you find peace Sanobar. You deserve it.
I'm glad it's become flexible now as it should. Mumbai is shockingly rigid and backward in this regard. Muslim women in other parts of India and the world do visit graveyards without a problem. How much this discrepancy hurts me :/
I am sorry to hear this I didn't knew about that because in my country Pakistan woman is allowed to visit graveyard and my mother frequently visits my grandparents grave without any problem it was new for me to know that some women aren't allowed in graveyard in India
It shouldn't end like this, and I hope it won't. Unfortunately, given how things are back home these days, will it be wise to even raise this issue now? How many do we fight? I know I will be writing about what bothers me for as long as I can. You could help amplify my voice too, just like you did by caring to drop me a message of solidarity here - thank you so much! Wish our men spoke for their women too :/ Anyway, our stories move through generations....
I did go to Mumbai briefly in Sept last year. Passed by the qabrastan again, but didnt have the heart to look towards it.
My apologise, I didn't intend to be harsh but I blew a fuse when I read this. I'm 19 years old and things like this really annoy me that Muslim women are so ignorant that they don't even know about their own rights and accept everything as a law what are stated by these so called scholars and don't raise their voice against, this is the main reason they(so called clergies) are dominating the Muslim society .There are many things, when I oppose, people around me shut me up and say you are immature and it's not permitted and bla bla!!
Really thankful to you that you wrote about it, I pray for you more power, strength & love !
And I assure you it won't stop like this, I'll just be independent enough to stand on my own & will definitely sue these kinda people in the court! It's our right, it'll be ours , if not peacefully then by fight.
You give me hope, Muskan. Patriarchy is facilitated most by women. A Muslim female neighbour of ours wanted to go and visit this important person at the Qabrastan with her husband, to support me. Because she felt it wasn't fair I had to go, as a young woman, without my father, without my husband, to see the said person. That sweet aunty was confident her husband would come. But, by next morning, we got a call from her and we could tell her husband dissuaded her from standing up against that influential person in the community. Neither of them accompanied me. I went to see the man on my own. Anyway, please don't be sorry for speaking from your heart. Sometimes, when we're filled with despair, a passionate voice like yours is what's uplifting. Thank you, for your voice. May we keep our stories alive.
Sanobar I was so angry reading what you had to go through. To be denied the right to bid farewell to and grieve in the way one wants to is akin to human rights violation. More power to you Sanobar!
Thank you so much, Savvy! It will be two years in July since my father passed away. May we continue feeling the anger till we achieve what we rightly deserve <3
It took me a while to finish this piece because it made me SO angry. I felt your grief, your loss, and your helplessness even as you bravely kept fighting through the piece. That photo of the letter - especially the words "This is our final decision and we do not want to discuss this in the future" - reeks of so much entitled oppressor privilege, trying to silence the oppressed by shutting down dialog. Also totally understood the hesitancy towards making this a headline given the political climate for Muslims in our country today. More power to Muslim women and men like you to keep fighting the good fight, and a bit more wisdom to the men and women who stand in your way. Hugs Sanobar ❤
Oh Mahima. It was hurtful and humiliating. I genuinely wanted a dialogue sans drama. What shocks me is how so many people still believe in this archaic culture of keeping women away from such rituals. Khair, we do what we can do. Thank you, Mahima for stopping by to support. Love and gratitude...
Hi Sanobar, thank you for writing this and sharing this in your own voice! I felt your hurt and anger at this injustice. You have shown great courage for taking a stand and acting on it. You have also shown tremendous foresight to not sensationalize the issue to win this battle. This is how we change the world - through such small, lesser-known, brave acts. This is so inspiring! You are also being a stellar role model to the younger generations who will take us even farther. I am feeling so grateful to have known you through our workshop. More power to you!
Karthik, I'm so moved. You felt it so deep and how rightly you've articulated my own feelings. Like Natasha says, when stories want to be told, we simply obey. This story had to be told. It needs to be shared far and wide. I'm an optimist. I know someday we will get there. Our younger generation are even more inspiring. I remain hopeful. Thank you for showing solidarity, Karthik. The pleasure of knowing each other is mutual!
Thank you, Radhika! Im sure the day I am allowed, many other Muslim women will go as well - I hope we can all have access to our own rights. We just need more awareness.
Ameen Natasha! Imagine the day I could actually visit the grave because I can, without a jugaar :) Thank you, for helping me voice the rage within. May it not go to waste.
Sanobar as a daughter who loved her father deeply and then lost him just as you did, I feel your wrenching pain and the profound expression you gave to it. I feel the rage yet also appreciate the tenderness with which you have shared your pain. The misogyny and the normalization of it so rampant and deeply unfortunate. Hope sister, a day will dawn when the taboo will break and you will sit by your fathers grave, in sukoon.
Dearest Sanobar, my heart both swells with pride and weeps with sorrow, as you negotiate your right to grieve at your father's grave. Love and hugs and courage, Neeta
Sanobar, first up: a big hug for today. I am heartened in your (cou)rage to mark the anniversary by making this piece public. I do not yet have the vocabulary for the mixed emotions that are coming up right now. As a muslim woman and a fellow truth seeker, I am deeply hurt and saddened about the deep misogyny that gets shrouded by way of misquoting religion since time immemorial, across geography & history. There is so much confusion and most times, ensuing grief that accompanies the journey of seeking truth. This piece is heavy and deeply uncomfortable. BUT this is also, such an empowering piece. I am so grateful for you and all the women on whose shoulders we all stand and move mountains. Thank you for writing, thank you Natasha (& Raju) for this space and for being enablers, for all our paths crossing. May our tribe increase. Inshallah! Love you all! PS: On a lighter, (& admittedly judgemental) note, not only does the office of the managing 'trusty' need a change of guard, it also badly needs a copy desk.
Sister Truth Seeker! Share wide and far, please. Aap toh Mumbai mein ho :) Oh and 'Trusty' sb needs more than a copy desk :) If only they'd hire women like us!
Sanobar,
Sending lots of love to you on this day.
You are a beautiful woman.
I’m sorry, I missed this! Thank YOU for your kindness and warmth, Suruchi <3
Sanobar, my heart bled reading this. As a daughter, I know how much this means to you. As it did to me. I travelled with my father’s mortal remains from the hospital to our home. I allowed my brothers the privilege of traveling with him in his last journey. I, and only I had the privilege of doing my father’s rights. My father had willed it. He told my mother that I should. I didn’t have to be told. Neither did I have to ask or seek permission. My in laws were upset. My husband stood by me as a rock. After my father’s passing, I wondered if there is any solace for Muslims and Christians who have a ‘resting’ place for their families. I imagined that visiting their loved one would bring peace. It would keep a connection alive, even when one has been interrupted. The Hindu concept of the soul traveling towards a new journey suddenly made me feel like an orphan. The thought that my father would no longer be mine in this lifetime was heartbreaking….your story dissolved a mirage for me. I am enraged as much as you are. I am hurt as much as you are. I am grieving with you Sanobar. You don’t have to go through this alone…
Rituparna, what hurts me most is that there's no consistency to the 'rules'. Muslim women in other parts of India do visit graveyards. It's the same in other parts of the world. I'm shocked how this isn't the case in Mumbai. Your experience made me smile and get teary as my heart pumped with the love and trust between you and your father. Thank you. I'm not alone. We're not alone ❤️
The pain and grief that comes with a parent’s passing is universal Sanobar. What is so special about this grief that we must write and allow our stories to intersect, connect and interact? Sharing grief is being human. Standing with someone in their time of grief, allowing them the space to experience a deep emotion and respond to it. I admire your decision to keep this private. As a former journalist, I know I would have taken the hard route of taking this to the media. I also realise the immense maturity and responsibility with which you safeguard your community’s image if this got out. I wish you find peace Sanobar. You deserve it.
Earlier this rule was strictly enforced by Hindus, but now most of us have become flexible, but ocassionaly entry of women is frowned by old timers.
I'm glad it's become flexible now as it should. Mumbai is shockingly rigid and backward in this regard. Muslim women in other parts of India and the world do visit graveyards without a problem. How much this discrepancy hurts me :/
I am sorry to hear this I didn't knew about that because in my country Pakistan woman is allowed to visit graveyard and my mother frequently visits my grandparents grave without any problem it was new for me to know that some women aren't allowed in graveyard in India
Muslim clergy in India is more conservative and quite backward. It's really nice to know women in Pakistan don't have to suffer in the name of Islam.
It's really infuriating, and I feel extremely sorry for you! Haven't you to been in Mumbai since then? And what next ?
It cannot end like this🥺
It shouldn't end like this, and I hope it won't. Unfortunately, given how things are back home these days, will it be wise to even raise this issue now? How many do we fight? I know I will be writing about what bothers me for as long as I can. You could help amplify my voice too, just like you did by caring to drop me a message of solidarity here - thank you so much! Wish our men spoke for their women too :/ Anyway, our stories move through generations....
I did go to Mumbai briefly in Sept last year. Passed by the qabrastan again, but didnt have the heart to look towards it.
My apologise, I didn't intend to be harsh but I blew a fuse when I read this. I'm 19 years old and things like this really annoy me that Muslim women are so ignorant that they don't even know about their own rights and accept everything as a law what are stated by these so called scholars and don't raise their voice against, this is the main reason they(so called clergies) are dominating the Muslim society .There are many things, when I oppose, people around me shut me up and say you are immature and it's not permitted and bla bla!!
Really thankful to you that you wrote about it, I pray for you more power, strength & love !
And I assure you it won't stop like this, I'll just be independent enough to stand on my own & will definitely sue these kinda people in the court! It's our right, it'll be ours , if not peacefully then by fight.
You give me hope, Muskan. Patriarchy is facilitated most by women. A Muslim female neighbour of ours wanted to go and visit this important person at the Qabrastan with her husband, to support me. Because she felt it wasn't fair I had to go, as a young woman, without my father, without my husband, to see the said person. That sweet aunty was confident her husband would come. But, by next morning, we got a call from her and we could tell her husband dissuaded her from standing up against that influential person in the community. Neither of them accompanied me. I went to see the man on my own. Anyway, please don't be sorry for speaking from your heart. Sometimes, when we're filled with despair, a passionate voice like yours is what's uplifting. Thank you, for your voice. May we keep our stories alive.
Sanobar I was so angry reading what you had to go through. To be denied the right to bid farewell to and grieve in the way one wants to is akin to human rights violation. More power to you Sanobar!
Thank you so much, Savvy! It will be two years in July since my father passed away. May we continue feeling the anger till we achieve what we rightly deserve <3
Thank you yaara! Much love and hugs @parvathy
It took me a while to finish this piece because it made me SO angry. I felt your grief, your loss, and your helplessness even as you bravely kept fighting through the piece. That photo of the letter - especially the words "This is our final decision and we do not want to discuss this in the future" - reeks of so much entitled oppressor privilege, trying to silence the oppressed by shutting down dialog. Also totally understood the hesitancy towards making this a headline given the political climate for Muslims in our country today. More power to Muslim women and men like you to keep fighting the good fight, and a bit more wisdom to the men and women who stand in your way. Hugs Sanobar ❤
Oh Mahima. It was hurtful and humiliating. I genuinely wanted a dialogue sans drama. What shocks me is how so many people still believe in this archaic culture of keeping women away from such rituals. Khair, we do what we can do. Thank you, Mahima for stopping by to support. Love and gratitude...
Hi Sanobar, thank you for writing this and sharing this in your own voice! I felt your hurt and anger at this injustice. You have shown great courage for taking a stand and acting on it. You have also shown tremendous foresight to not sensationalize the issue to win this battle. This is how we change the world - through such small, lesser-known, brave acts. This is so inspiring! You are also being a stellar role model to the younger generations who will take us even farther. I am feeling so grateful to have known you through our workshop. More power to you!
Karthik, I'm so moved. You felt it so deep and how rightly you've articulated my own feelings. Like Natasha says, when stories want to be told, we simply obey. This story had to be told. It needs to be shared far and wide. I'm an optimist. I know someday we will get there. Our younger generation are even more inspiring. I remain hopeful. Thank you for showing solidarity, Karthik. The pleasure of knowing each other is mutual!
Thanks for writing this, Sanobar. I do hope you're able to visit your father's grave. Hugs. <3
Thank you, Radhika! Im sure the day I am allowed, many other Muslim women will go as well - I hope we can all have access to our own rights. We just need more awareness.
Thanks for being a voice of many, many.
May this piece bring around the much needed change.
Your voice is a raging storm of change.
Shukran for writing this, Sanobar. 🩵
Ameen Natasha! Imagine the day I could actually visit the grave because I can, without a jugaar :) Thank you, for helping me voice the rage within. May it not go to waste.
Thankyou Sanobar for giving words to your anguish and pain and sharing with the world. May you have the strength and courage to keep going !
May we see the change we desire <3 Thank you, Chetna!
Sanobar as a daughter who loved her father deeply and then lost him just as you did, I feel your wrenching pain and the profound expression you gave to it. I feel the rage yet also appreciate the tenderness with which you have shared your pain. The misogyny and the normalization of it so rampant and deeply unfortunate. Hope sister, a day will dawn when the taboo will break and you will sit by your fathers grave, in sukoon.
Heart-felt love, Shalini. Thank you. Thank you. Amen to the duas. Sending you love and hugs.
This is heartbreaking. May you succeed in your quest. Love and light
Amen! Thank you <3
Dearest Sanobar, my heart both swells with pride and weeps with sorrow, as you negotiate your right to grieve at your father's grave. Love and hugs and courage, Neeta
I know Im not alone Neeta - not in my fight, not in the support I need. I hope you know I feel your love and support from so far :) Thank you!
Sanobar, first up: a big hug for today. I am heartened in your (cou)rage to mark the anniversary by making this piece public. I do not yet have the vocabulary for the mixed emotions that are coming up right now. As a muslim woman and a fellow truth seeker, I am deeply hurt and saddened about the deep misogyny that gets shrouded by way of misquoting religion since time immemorial, across geography & history. There is so much confusion and most times, ensuing grief that accompanies the journey of seeking truth. This piece is heavy and deeply uncomfortable. BUT this is also, such an empowering piece. I am so grateful for you and all the women on whose shoulders we all stand and move mountains. Thank you for writing, thank you Natasha (& Raju) for this space and for being enablers, for all our paths crossing. May our tribe increase. Inshallah! Love you all! PS: On a lighter, (& admittedly judgemental) note, not only does the office of the managing 'trusty' need a change of guard, it also badly needs a copy desk.
Sister Truth Seeker! Share wide and far, please. Aap toh Mumbai mein ho :) Oh and 'Trusty' sb needs more than a copy desk :) If only they'd hire women like us!